Otago Cycling is made up of many members and competitors from all walks of life. The Mosgiel 'folk', the Townie riders and the Beachfront MTV reality stars (Joel Davies). However, you couldn't have cycling in Otago without the scarfies. The breeding ground of future talent where young scrawny novvies arrive as defenseless, horny freshers and leave 3-4 years later as slightly fatter, slower cyclists but with a reputation and sometimes a degree.
As the crispy winter days start to fade into history and we are welcomed by the moist erotic spring weather its time to check the form-o-meter for the current status of Dunedin's most celebrated scarfie riders.
The oldest and most loved scarfie, Dr. Chris Harvey is still found frollicking in and around every orifice of the university campus. He has recently submitted his PhD thesis titled "Comparing Endurance training versus high intensity training and their effect on the athletes ability to sink piss". No doubt after a rest, some celebrating and womanising, 'The Doctor' will be out smashing K's harder than Keogh on a rest day. Whether he will continue to terrorise late night studiers in West Cal or go pro is yet unclear but one thing is for sure, there will be no more B-grade burgaling from this man.
The next in line, poised to take position as top dog around campus is Legend in his own lunchbox, Sir James William Grant Jr the third. The true Southern man is putting his inherent grit and toughness to good use as he begins his preparation to become the world's first heterosexual ironman. 2 hours in the pool as well as in excess of 50km a week on the bike, this man is leaving no stone unturned in his quest for peak performance come race day. Surprised at his absence from the recent Green Island-Taieri Mouth Return Handicap race, fellow scarfie, Logan Edgar questioned Mr Grant about it and this was the response he got: "Uhhm well I was riding out to race but I went too hard when I dominated Caversham Hill so I decided against racing". Pure Focus on the goal. That is the only way to describe this aspiring Medical Practitioner and Rap Artist. If he isn't training or spitting out bottomless lyrics in the ghetto this man is often seen dressed as a woman, shotgunning entire bigfoot bottles, gin flavour being his poison of choice.
Horny young fresher, Logan Edgar has managed to maintain his composure on the bike throughout his debut year in the Otago Cycling scene. After being taken under the wing of scholars Shane Melrose and Lozz Holding, Logan has excelled academically. As he said in his own words: "oops, those exam marks weren't quite what I was hoping for..."
Logan has excelled in his time management skills. In between visits to Queen's College to 'check out the talent', 800km weeks (questionable...) and his relentless study regime Logan has still found time to get his sinister grin plastered throughout the media. After being beaten up by a pair of girls and making a big scene about it in front of the TV3 cameras, Logan skyrocketed to stardom and was quoted as saying "Those dirty outram tramps should be put down!"
His recent strength on the bike is a good sign of things to come as he has now employed Shane Melrose as his coach and mentor. Shane prefers to approach training from a completely unique angle and refers to his methods as 'a dynamic blend of excellence, brilliance and downright awesomeness'. Logan is one to look for in up coming races because lets face it hes doing a commerce degree so spare time to train is more abundent than sexual disease in Mid-South Canterbury.
Local hero and popular scarfie, Lozz Holding has been out of sight recently in the otago cycling world. Word on the street is that his 'nerve troubles' in his leg was purely a coverup for recent treatments he has been getting for a swollen penis. Sources close to the man say that the attention from women and the easy access to online pornography led him into an issue that purely spiraled out of control. Flatmate, Rhys Kelly claimed "He couldn't leave it alone, it was like a chimp with a glue stick". After a long and hard recovery, the Warmup/Kumho rider has been seen scaling the alps along the peninsula and smashing tin at the local gym in a bid to 'get fit quick'. Whether he has been using his Pharmacology degree to good use is unknown but naive training partner Andy Mackay was overheard stating :"I think Lozz is clean. I mean lets face it, hes not actually very fast so if he is on drugs they can't be as good as Joe's ones". Lozz stated clearly to a WADA doctor during a random urine sample last week "I don't know what you're looking for in that, but all you will find is excellence and maybe some traces of semen". Being the face of the upcoming Tour de Taieri, punters hope to see this man wiping his backside with the Cat 1 peloton in 2 weeks time.
We at UCO were unable to contact Andy Mackay due to recent controversy surrounding him and his pantless antics.
No comments:
Post a Comment