Riders from all over the country came together for the inaugural Tour de Taieri held over two days in and around the tourist hotspot that is Mosgiel. It is known to most as a tax haven for celebrities and billionaires however most that attended the tour will remember it for other reasons.
Deceptive morning sun led many unsuspecting competitors astray as they left their booties and fluffy gloves at home. As riders warmed up and prepared their podium speeches early, a beastly cloud loomed above the infamous sam's circuit. Logan Edgar was recorded saying "I'm no Jim Hickey but i think the weather is about to shit itself". His metaphorical excrement reference came true and all riders were about to find themselves wedged well and truly in the U-bend underneath a very large, unpleasant mess. Snow and hail pushed riders off the seat of comfort and onto the floor of no fun. Crashes were plentiful as many riders ate asphalt, while onlooking shop owners licked their lips at the sound of crunching carbon.
Many riders had talked a big game coming into the tour. James Grant, still angry after a total balls-up by BikeNZ surrounding worlds selection, had frequently been heard expressing his determination to tear up this race. "I hope everyone brought aero bars coz I'm gona turn every stage into a motherf**king TT if I have to!" was his approach to the event. UCO spotted a local speed demon and self confessed 'winning-addict' the day prior to tour start. Joel Davies was seen by our reporters delving deep into the icy depths of the discount ice-cream section of New World North Dunedin. All Dunedin cyclists are well aware that there's trouble ahead when Joel is taking onboard a lot of protein.
However, its all fun and games until someone gets DQ'd. And thats exactly what happened to World Famous Twizel-Timaru veteran, Alex Mad MAD McGregor. One too many colourful words saw this big hitter having tears before beers later that evening. Close rival and part-time body builder, Patrick Jones wasn't hitting the bottle for a change, instead he was fuming about the cancellation of the much anticipated 6km mid tour Time Trial. "I'm gutted about it being taken out, I was excited about putting some more seconds between me and Alex!"
The first day left the fields wittled with Category one being reduced to less than half the original starters. Chad Adair fell victim to his own tyres as he went scrambling across the wrong side of the road on his backside. 6 or 7 other riders went down on the same corner leaving experts wondering just what the shit happened there. Some insiders have suggested that Regan Sheath left a trail of vomit just shy of the centre line leaving many riders rubber side up. When questioned on the matter all Sheath had to say was: "I du-duno man. Oh my go-god I love you alllll".
Day two brought prettier conditions with a nice stiff breeze up the rear end of the riders. Christchurch Ultimo-jamis rider, Tom 'calves' Hubbard sparked up the racing with countless attacks during the 1st lap of each race. Manager, Ben Hopewell explained to us at UCO that he was trying desperately to claw back 15 minutes to the leaders. "He needs the prize money so he can put a dollar each way on the 3 o'clock races".
Winners:
Cat 1-James McCoy
Cat 2-'2 minutes'
Cat 3-Joel Davies
U19-Alex Frame
U17-That guy Fergie coaches
U15-Connor Stead
Women-Sequoia
U19-Ashleigh Neave
U17- baby Williamson
U15-That chick fergie coaches
novice- winner DQ'd when it turned out to be Chris Henderson in disguise. He sat on in every race.
The great event was rounded off with a splendid prizegiving with much banter and flirting taking place. Savaloys were the big hit, especially with Christchurch visitor, Rachel Gaffaney.
No comments:
Post a Comment