Official Tour de Taieri Highlights Package

Riders from all over the country came together for the inaugural Tour de Taieri held over two days in and around the tourist hotspot that is Mosgiel. It is known to most as a tax haven for celebrities and billionaires however most that attended the tour will remember it for other reasons.

Deceptive morning sun led many unsuspecting competitors astray as they left their booties and fluffy gloves at home. As riders warmed up and prepared their podium speeches early, a beastly cloud loomed above the infamous sam's circuit. Logan Edgar was recorded saying "I'm no Jim Hickey but i think the weather is about to shit itself". His metaphorical excrement reference came true and all riders were about to find themselves wedged well and truly in the U-bend underneath a very large, unpleasant mess. Snow and hail pushed riders off the seat of comfort and onto the floor of no fun. Crashes were plentiful as many riders ate asphalt, while onlooking shop owners licked their lips at the sound of crunching carbon.

Many riders had talked a big game coming into the tour. James Grant, still angry after a total balls-up by BikeNZ surrounding worlds selection, had frequently been heard expressing his determination to tear up this race. "I hope everyone brought aero bars coz I'm gona turn every stage into a motherf**king TT if I have to!" was his approach to the event. UCO spotted a local speed demon and self confessed 'winning-addict' the day prior to tour start. Joel Davies was seen by our reporters delving deep into the icy depths of the discount ice-cream section of New World North Dunedin. All Dunedin cyclists are well aware that there's trouble ahead when Joel is taking onboard a lot of protein.

However, its all fun and games until someone gets DQ'd. And thats exactly what happened to World Famous Twizel-Timaru veteran, Alex Mad MAD McGregor. One too many colourful words saw this big hitter having tears before beers later that evening. Close rival and part-time body builder, Patrick Jones wasn't hitting the bottle for a change, instead he was fuming about the cancellation of the much anticipated 6km mid tour Time Trial. "I'm gutted about it being taken out, I was excited about putting some more seconds between me and Alex!"

The first day left the fields wittled with Category one being reduced to less than half the original starters. Chad Adair fell victim to his own tyres as he went scrambling across the wrong side of the road on his backside. 6 or 7 other riders went down on the same corner leaving experts wondering just what the shit happened there. Some insiders have suggested that Regan Sheath left a trail of vomit just shy of the centre line leaving many riders rubber side up. When questioned on the matter all Sheath had to say was: "I du-duno man. Oh my go-god I love you alllll".

Day two brought prettier conditions with a nice stiff breeze up the rear end of the riders. Christchurch Ultimo-jamis rider, Tom 'calves' Hubbard sparked up the racing with countless attacks during the 1st lap of each race. Manager, Ben Hopewell explained to us at UCO that he was trying desperately to claw back 15 minutes to the leaders. "He needs the prize money so he can put a dollar each way on the 3 o'clock races".

Winners:
Cat 1-James McCoy
Cat 2-'2 minutes'
Cat 3-Joel Davies
U19-Alex Frame
U17-That guy Fergie coaches
U15-Connor Stead
Women-Sequoia
U19-Ashleigh Neave
U17- baby Williamson
U15-That chick fergie coaches
novice- winner DQ'd when it turned out to be Chris Henderson in disguise. He sat on in every race.

The great event was rounded off with a splendid prizegiving with much banter and flirting taking place. Savaloys were the big hit, especially with Christchurch visitor, Rachel Gaffaney.

A Day at the Zoo in Chilly Otago

A snowy weekend set the scene for a trek across 3 mile hill into the belly of the beast of the 'Bike Otago Zoo' held annually during September. Two of our top reporters got right in amongst things as they observed some of the primal behaviour on display during this great event.

The first and clearly most popular attraction found at the zoo was the rare Walrus (Odobenus rosmarus). The powerful display of territorial rituals really set the tone for the weekend. Alex McGregor got an up close and all too real encounter when he got between it and the ocean.

Another fishy treat found out on the plains was the mighty Sperm Whale (Shaneous Melrospermatis) who flourished in antarctic-like environment due to his subcutaneous blubber acquired from filter feeding on little green heineken bottlenose dolphins.

One of the more interesting specimens to be found that day was the highly territorial goat (Dynamitus Napolatanous). He displayed alpha-male traits while fending off other potential suiters. The Red Squirrel (Patchianous) who was sharing an enclosure with the goat and his potential mate was kept at a distance by the highly territorial creature. The goat was well aware of how erotic the little red squirrel could be so put distance between them by quoting: "This f&*^ing seats taken ae!"

As the night sky showed its face, some of the more nocturnal critters came out to play. Found within the harmonic surroundings of North Dunedin, chirpings of profanities whistled through the air from the legendary "Tuhi" bird. A small rat infestation kept visitors on their toes.

Keepers had to step in and clean the enclosure when the Sheath Baboon appeared to have contracted a nasty virus. Induced vomiting saw the young ape struggling outside his usual warm auckland (soft) niche, nestled within arms reach of his mother.

As morning broke, sounds of pleasure could be heard coming from an enclosure that two seperate animals should not have been in. Keepers also had to step in later to clean up what zoo staff suspect must have been mayonnaise from a tossed salad. The largely unsettled long-eared presbury rabbit that was going through a hormonal imbalance returned to its own area the next day a little unsatisfied with only the tossed salad as he had been led to believe a main course was on offer and possibly a champagne breakfast.

Quote Of The Day

"This seat is f%#ken taken, f&%k off, f$^k you guys, F&^ken Edgar, F%$k you Melrose, F%&ken Tomlinson" (Otago Cycling international diplomat).

Edgar to head development squad

Local sluxx Logan Edgar is to head the new Kuhmo development squad. Edgar stated that the squad would be made up entirely of female riders unless he got rrrrrrrrrrealy on the hammer. The new team is to launch into the protour with a new logo and kit design as pictured. Edgar has been rumored to have been working on the make up of the team for some months, trialing many riders over this time period with various results. In relation to this team, Alex (ladies man) McGregor has used his powerful commend of the English language to trick many young female riders into signing for this team, many of these negotiations are said to have taken place over a champagne breakfast.

Radioshack to sign Dynamite? Tour de Taieri Chaos.

Napolean Dynamite finally made his breakthrough victory last weekend at the Twizel-Timaru classic. With the Protour scouts floating nearby many a nervous rider showed up to show their wares. The scene was set for some intense and spectacular racing and the riders did not disappoint. Dynamite made a late attack and blew up the bunch (rather than himself for a change) to take line honours and fastest time, a feat only 5 other men have acheived in the races history.

After the race a jubilant Dynamite was seen talking to none other than Johan Bruyneel. Speculation within the peloton has suggested Dynamite is set to sign with Bruyneel's protour outfit for the 2011 season.

Disappointment was soon to follow at the Tour de Taieri today with appalling weather and slippery road conditions. This saw many crashes take their toll on the peloton and was responsible for a number of retirements. Meanwhile Dynamite saw himself DQed for bullying the other riders in the A grade.

Car nursing injuries after dressing down from Smit

Local hammer Corrinne Smit recently gave an out of line automobile a lesson in race etiquette. It is alleged the car had attempted to out sprint Smit on a recent training ride, however the car quickly realized it did not possess the speed to hold Smit off and throw her a furious hook. Smit responded with a strong elbow causing minor damage to the car.
Smit commented afterwards that she had received a scuffed shoe and had almost broken a sweat during the high speed altercation. The automobile was not available for comment; Police are continuing to investigate the incident.
( Above: The automobile following its dirty sprint tactics)

Melrose turns up at the Vuelta a Espana

The Vuelta a Espana has been rocked by scandal with late night boozing involving the Saxobank team. Details at this point in time are sketchy but sources suggest Shane Melrose has lead astray some of the sports most respected stars Andy Schleck and Stuart O'Grady. It was speculated that the riders were out until 5am in a late boozing session where copious amounts of Heineken was consumed. It was unknown whether this was an attempt at enhancing perfomrance or a delibrate attempt to be ejected from the race

Saxobank manager Bjarne Riss expelled all three riders concerned from the race and sent Melrose packing on a long term holiday. Many people are speculating this could see the end of the veterans career in Europe. Melrose was quoted as saying "I wake up in the morning and piss excellence, who need Eurpoe anyway?"

Schleck later confirmed that "I don't even like Spain and wanted to leave any way. I would like to thank Shane for his insight and helping me see the light." Fresh rumors are circulating that Melrose was in talks with the as yet unamed Luxembourg team and Schleck about a potential role with the team. It has been suggested that this new role would see Melrose as an advisor in the finer point of after race rehydration. Shleck comment that "His years of dedication and experience wit Heineken will prove invaluable to the team and our success". Many of Otago's finest riders can attest to Melrose's fondness of Heineken and the goodtimes had by all.

Otago bewildered by double disappointment

Right: James Grant passes a Benchmark homes rider during 180km ironman stage in Wanaka.



News shook Otago cycling circles harder than a 7.1 earlier this week when it was revealed to the country that two World's hopefuls were excluded from the team. Michael Vink, George Bennett and Jason Christie were all selected to fly the silver fern over in Geelong on the 1st of October in the U23 World Road Race Champs. After a recent rampage of strong results, many were left scrolling down the page looking for mention of ex-scarfie James Williamson but to no avail. Almost as upset as his fans about the exclusion from the team he, as always, kept his cool and looked to the positive. "Oh well, it means I can come down to Dunners and party now, lets go push some freshers off the rails at Monkey Bar!". Although a Wakatipu cycling club member, Otago pundits like to claim the subway warrior as their own and are clearly distraught about the selectors decision. Famous Comedian and Moon TV star, Chicco, said what was going through all our heads when he questioned: "What's all that sh*t about???!!!"

Although disappointed about World's hopeful, Williamson's non-selection for the team, the entire cycling world were left flabbergasted at the absence of Otago University cycling captain, James Grant, in the team. Grant, who had been labeled as a 'certain' to ride at the world champs was for some reason, not included in the U23 team. Club Captain Chris Henderson spoke of the matter, "Whatever it is those selectors are smoking, I want some". Tinelli, a New Zealand cycling apparel company were outraged. They had already produced 17,000 special edition rainbow world champion jersey's in anticipation for James Grant's guaranteed victory in Geelong. "We have lost tens of thousands of dollars thanks to some clown at BikeNZ not doing there job properly" exclaimed the CEO.
UCO went to find Grant and found him crying on his doorstep next to a half empty bottle of gin, listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' on repeat in the background. Grant spoke solemnly "It's over, I wanted to do New Zealand proud but I've been robbed of my dreams. I will continue to train for my Ironman campaign and my rap career but as far as cycling goes, I think I've had enough of all the schmuks in this sport"

UCO reporters joined James and polished off the rest of the gin. $378 of alcohol in town and 19 cheesburgers later we finally got round to writing this report.

Chopper advises local trade teams

Advice of the day:

Chopper said to "Harden the f%#k up"

He didnt say "have a winge, have a moan, and have a f%#Kn cry"

That is all.

Makay caught with his pants down

Controversial Man Flu? Local sporting personality Andy Mackay has been accused of doping by some in cycling otago circles. Mr Mackay’s recent absences from Racing has raised a few eyebrows. Andy Claims he has a mystery virus know to the UCO (unofficial cycling Otago) as ‘man flu’. Going around the rumour mill is the possibility of Mr Mackay trying to avoid In-Completion Drug Testers (WADA). When asked for comments, Mr Mackay is quoted as saying “At the end of the day I don’t know what Joe is putting in my bottles”. Teammate Joe Chapman refused to be interviewed but later issued a statement saying “Andy is a good boy who doesn’t ask questions”. Andy has reportedly been riding a lot of gravel/ dirt roads (aka his girlfriend) instead of fronting to races. When asked about such activities, Mr Mackay stated “I’m trying to unravel the mysteries of the Brown button that the Kumho lads have been talking about. They go so good I wish I was a Kumho boy”. After reading a leaked draft of this, Kumho rider Shane Melrose said “easy Andy, you have to walk before you can run”. Mechanical doping has been an issue that is erecting itself securely into the cycling otago clitoris and Mr Mackay has landed himself squarely in the wet and sticky mess of it all. There have been allegations surrounding the noises coming from Mackays bottom bracket during races and bunch rides. Rumours have spread faster than aids in the back seat of the Midway van that Mackay has been bike doping but he swears on the ‘Ulitimo Jamis Private Jet’ that these accusations are not true. Paul ‘D.Trump’ Gough however concludes that “It’s because it’s a fucking Jamis”

Tracking the form of Scarfie Riders

Otago Cycling is made up of many members and competitors from all walks of life. The Mosgiel 'folk', the Townie riders and the Beachfront MTV reality stars (Joel Davies). However, you couldn't have cycling in Otago without the scarfies. The breeding ground of future talent where young scrawny novvies arrive as defenseless, horny freshers and leave 3-4 years later as slightly fatter, slower cyclists but with a reputation and sometimes a degree.

As the crispy winter days start to fade into history and we are welcomed by the moist erotic spring weather its time to check the form-o-meter for the current status of Dunedin's most celebrated scarfie riders.

The oldest and most loved scarfie, Dr. Chris Harvey is still found frollicking in and around every orifice of the university campus. He has recently submitted his PhD thesis titled "Comparing Endurance training versus high intensity training and their effect on the athletes ability to sink piss". No doubt after a rest, some celebrating and womanising, 'The Doctor' will be out smashing K's harder than Keogh on a rest day. Whether he will continue to terrorise late night studiers in West Cal or go pro is yet unclear but one thing is for sure, there will be no more B-grade burgaling from this man.

The next in line, poised to take position as top dog around campus is Legend in his own lunchbox, Sir James William Grant Jr the third. The true Southern man is putting his inherent grit and toughness to good use as he begins his preparation to become the world's first heterosexual ironman. 2 hours in the pool as well as in excess of 50km a week on the bike, this man is leaving no stone unturned in his quest for peak performance come race day. Surprised at his absence from the recent Green Island-Taieri Mouth Return Handicap race, fellow scarfie, Logan Edgar questioned Mr Grant about it and this was the response he got: "Uhhm well I was riding out to race but I went too hard when I dominated Caversham Hill so I decided against racing". Pure Focus on the goal. That is the only way to describe this aspiring Medical Practitioner and Rap Artist. If he isn't training or spitting out bottomless lyrics in the ghetto this man is often seen dressed as a woman, shotgunning entire bigfoot bottles, gin flavour being his poison of choice.

Horny young fresher, Logan Edgar has managed to maintain his composure on the bike throughout his debut year in the Otago Cycling scene. After being taken under the wing of scholars Shane Melrose and Lozz Holding, Logan has excelled academically. As he said in his own words: "oops, those exam marks weren't quite what I was hoping for..."
Logan has excelled in his time management skills. In between visits to Queen's College to 'check out the talent', 800km weeks (questionable...) and his relentless study regime Logan has still found time to get his sinister grin plastered throughout the media. After being beaten up by a pair of girls and making a big scene about it in front of the TV3 cameras, Logan skyrocketed to stardom and was quoted as saying "Those dirty outram tramps should be put down!"
His recent strength on the bike is a good sign of things to come as he has now employed Shane Melrose as his coach and mentor. Shane prefers to approach training from a completely unique angle and refers to his methods as 'a dynamic blend of excellence, brilliance and downright awesomeness'. Logan is one to look for in up coming races because lets face it hes doing a commerce degree so spare time to train is more abundent than sexual disease in Mid-South Canterbury.

Local hero and popular scarfie, Lozz Holding has been out of sight recently in the otago cycling world. Word on the street is that his 'nerve troubles' in his leg was purely a coverup for recent treatments he has been getting for a swollen penis. Sources close to the man say that the attention from women and the easy access to online pornography led him into an issue that purely spiraled out of control. Flatmate, Rhys Kelly claimed "He couldn't leave it alone, it was like a chimp with a glue stick". After a long and hard recovery, the Warmup/Kumho rider has been seen scaling the alps along the peninsula and smashing tin at the local gym in a bid to 'get fit quick'. Whether he has been using his Pharmacology degree to good use is unknown but naive training partner Andy Mackay was overheard stating :"I think Lozz is clean. I mean lets face it, hes not actually very fast so if he is on drugs they can't be as good as Joe's ones". Lozz stated clearly to a WADA doctor during a random urine sample last week "I don't know what you're looking for in that, but all you will find is excellence and maybe some traces of semen". Being the face of the upcoming Tour de Taieri, punters hope to see this man wiping his backside with the Cat 1 peloton in 2 weeks time.


We at UCO were unable to contact Andy Mackay due to recent controversy surrounding him and his pantless antics.

Kumho or Kumh-o-no

Kuhmo or Kum-o-no
Rumours surrounding a new business starting up have been confirmed. Brad Evans from the top Otago cycling (kuhmo) team said today that it is true that he is set to open a new bike shop that specialized solely in bike set-up. Mr Evan said he would also offer a 24hr call out service so no matter how close to the race start or important event you are, he can still make alterations. Mr Evans also stated that much interest had been expressed from fellow team member Gabby Vermunt. Brad said in a short interview today that “it’s great because I know basically everything about bike set-up so to get a chance to share my knowledge will be great”. Kuhmo managing director Allan ‘keogh’ Piper said as long as this new venture didn’t get in the way of his riding or drinking then he gave Evans his best wishes and blessing.

In other breaking news the rumours sounding a ‘brown button’ have been brought to light. This mysterious and intriguing button is said by some in the Kuhmo team to bring mystical performance enhancing powers, with some well known personalities including Noel going on to quote that “it feels rrrrrealy good”. More information will be disclosed after an in-depth inquiry where all nooks and crannies will be poked and prodded. You can be rest assured we won’t be afraid to get our hands dirty and we may even stick our noses where they don’t belong!

Benchmark series riders from all places are starting to buzz about the upcoming race to be held on September the 11th, Kuhmo spokesperson Lorenzo Jizz Holding said “we are going to fly straight into the side of this fucking race”. Another spokesperson from the Ultimo Jamis team said that they were too superstitious to take the ‘Ultimo Jamis private jet’ so instead they will take their Team Bus (Intercity). Star of the future (rookie) rider Scott Lytle said that “The team (Cycle Surgery) had to make a hard choice but at the end of the day only really had one option”. The team will not be attending the event as they have decided to fly to New York for coffee instead as flights were “too cheap to pass up” said Mr Lytle. The decision hasn’t rests well with all members of the team however as Local hammer Mark Spessot was quoted as saying “I’m pissed off as I really wanted to ruin some younger fella’s careers at the race”. The absents of Spessot at the race will be great news to some as the race is now any body’s to win.

Fans eagerly await McGregor vs Jones showdown

Heated discussions have brought welcome warmth to cold student flats lately between two of Otago's elite riders. U19 rider Patrick Jones and U23 rider Alex 'Dynamite' McGregor have exchanged fierce words as build up to the summer season commences.

What sparked this fire is unclear but it seems to have connections to Jones' dad's 12kg beast. What is known is that it seems that Jones' Argon 18 cycle has shown one too many cracks and this has offended Alexandra scholar, McGregor. McGregor keenly expressed his outrage to Jones by saying "How about you stop counting cracks and go training???". After then insulting Jones' power output (or lack of), McGregor went on to challenge Patrick to a showdown at the riders next racing confrontation. Standing his ground, Jones then proceeded to question McGregor's recent performances in the Benchmark series. He was quoted as exclaiming "its war alex!".

This exciting showdown has bought much attention and excitement from other local riders. University cycling captain, James Grant spoke of the unfolding situation: "I think it is great that two strong up and coming riders show such passion for the sport". Well known Team Kumho rider, Logan Edgar seemed to express a lot of interest in the 12kg beast that sparked the whole debacle "I just can't fathom what it would look like".
Ultimo Jamis rider, Andy Mackay was questioned on his opinion about the whole thing. Unfortunately his answer was unable to be recorded due obstruction from the noise coming from his bottom bracket.

These quotes and comments are roughly scraped together from online networking site, 'facebook' and poorly reconstructed to piece together this story. What the outcome will be is unclear but what is clear is that both riders have much to work on as far as their spelling and grammar is concerned.

We will bring you up to minute reports on how this battle unfolds, but for now
I'm Matt Keenan. Over and out.

Stotty raising eyebrows

Local rider and ladies man, Justin Stott has been a force to be reckoned with recently in the Otago racing scene. After storming to victory ahead of returning star, Lozz Holding and young prospect, Patrick 'Who drank all Geoff's beers?' Jones on the infamous Sam's circuit, he had only 2 weeks to recover for a 'world famous' Wingatui circuit that all riders dream of one day winning. Stott had a great battle with Paul 'D. Trump' Goughy but took the win comfortably with a sprint Cavendish would be proud of, crossing the line at a brisk 98kmh.

This recent form has raised eyebrows within managerial circles as the silly season of team changes starts to get into full swing. It is rumoured that he has been in talks with several big teams including french outfit, Francaise des Jeux, newly formed Garmin-Cervelo and Team Kumho to name a few.

We at the unofficial otago cycling web page have been keen to find what makes Stott tick and what he has been up to on his training rides to bring on such a wave of domination at local races. Below is the interview conducted:

Hi Justin, congratulations on your recent string of victories!
Hi... thanks... Why aren't you wearing any pants?

Sorry Justin, but I'm the one doing the interviewing here so how bout I do my job and you do yours... How many K's a week having you been knocking up?
Uhm.. uh i havent really been training much just doing what i can around work, you know.

Any specific drills?
Nah just riding really....

Any little secrets you can let us in on that's given you such good form recently?
Look, I've got a lot to do so I'm gona have to leave

Come on Justin, let us in on a few!
LOOK! I have never failed a drug test so you've got nothing!!! Ok!!

No, sorry justin, i meant-
Mate, I don't care for you media stirring trouble! All my urine samples have been clean so until one comes up negative just leave me alone!

The interview ended there and Stott left hastily through the crowd and back into the van with his team Doctor, Chris Harvey.

Edgar Swaps Hurt Box For Dog Box

Recently on a local bunch ride through Dunedin, Te Anau hothead, Logan Edgar (19) was accused of breaching section 9.13 of the Cycling Otago Handbook. Section 9.13 is titled 'the no fun policy' and officials felt that Edgar had taken things beyond what the policy deems acceptable.

Both Edgar and compatriot, Mr. Melrose were slapped with a 150 euro fine after both riders engaged in laughter during the early stages of the bunch ride. What caused this drastic behaviour by the riders is unknown but rumours have been floating around the Otago peloton. One idea that has risen is that comedic semantics had been exchanged involving information on Mr. Melrose's out of season antics at popular local watering hole, Fever club.

However, this was not the end of things as Edgar is now facing a 2 bunch-ride ban after allogations that he referred to a passing female motorist as 'a minga' later on during the same ride he received the fine.

It is not yet known whether Edgar will appeal the ban.

SI TTT

The South Island team time trial champs held in Invercargill today proved arousing for all involved. Riders were greeted with tropical gale force winds and heavy down pours resulting in the distance being shortened to a nice 25km jaunt.

One or two riders received a dodgy time check resulting in tears before bed, a missed start, and a long drive home.

Otago’s Vet team were told to keep the communication up, and calls of “ease” could be heard over the length of the 25km course. These calls could not stop some riders from detonating with shrapnel visible along the sides of the road. In an effort to conserve energy this team has designed a new team bike pictured above.

Logan Edgar had talked up a big game before the event, stating that he "woke up this morning feeling like P-Diddy" but he didn’t explain that should he begin to hurt he would unclip his foot and push his team mates into the gutter, a tactic which paid off for him in the end.

A number of riders choose not to ride in Otago colours; rumor has it these riders felt their power outputs were not adequate for them to represent the region. More experienced riders on hand advised these riders to open a can of watties and to harden the f#%k up.

Strong man Alex McGregor had one of the best and luckiest rides of the day. He drove the senior team for much of the race and his jigsaw puzzle bike held together for the entire distance, it seems duck tape is stronger than first thought.

Southland proved safety in numbers is the key to success after wining points in categories in which only they fielded teams they took home the sliver wear. Stay tuned for our next behind the lines race report.