Makay caught with his pants down

Controversial Man Flu? Local sporting personality Andy Mackay has been accused of doping by some in cycling otago circles. Mr Mackay’s recent absences from Racing has raised a few eyebrows. Andy Claims he has a mystery virus know to the UCO (unofficial cycling Otago) as ‘man flu’. Going around the rumour mill is the possibility of Mr Mackay trying to avoid In-Completion Drug Testers (WADA). When asked for comments, Mr Mackay is quoted as saying “At the end of the day I don’t know what Joe is putting in my bottles”. Teammate Joe Chapman refused to be interviewed but later issued a statement saying “Andy is a good boy who doesn’t ask questions”. Andy has reportedly been riding a lot of gravel/ dirt roads (aka his girlfriend) instead of fronting to races. When asked about such activities, Mr Mackay stated “I’m trying to unravel the mysteries of the Brown button that the Kumho lads have been talking about. They go so good I wish I was a Kumho boy”. After reading a leaked draft of this, Kumho rider Shane Melrose said “easy Andy, you have to walk before you can run”. Mechanical doping has been an issue that is erecting itself securely into the cycling otago clitoris and Mr Mackay has landed himself squarely in the wet and sticky mess of it all. There have been allegations surrounding the noises coming from Mackays bottom bracket during races and bunch rides. Rumours have spread faster than aids in the back seat of the Midway van that Mackay has been bike doping but he swears on the ‘Ulitimo Jamis Private Jet’ that these accusations are not true. Paul ‘D.Trump’ Gough however concludes that “It’s because it’s a fucking Jamis”

Tracking the form of Scarfie Riders

Otago Cycling is made up of many members and competitors from all walks of life. The Mosgiel 'folk', the Townie riders and the Beachfront MTV reality stars (Joel Davies). However, you couldn't have cycling in Otago without the scarfies. The breeding ground of future talent where young scrawny novvies arrive as defenseless, horny freshers and leave 3-4 years later as slightly fatter, slower cyclists but with a reputation and sometimes a degree.

As the crispy winter days start to fade into history and we are welcomed by the moist erotic spring weather its time to check the form-o-meter for the current status of Dunedin's most celebrated scarfie riders.

The oldest and most loved scarfie, Dr. Chris Harvey is still found frollicking in and around every orifice of the university campus. He has recently submitted his PhD thesis titled "Comparing Endurance training versus high intensity training and their effect on the athletes ability to sink piss". No doubt after a rest, some celebrating and womanising, 'The Doctor' will be out smashing K's harder than Keogh on a rest day. Whether he will continue to terrorise late night studiers in West Cal or go pro is yet unclear but one thing is for sure, there will be no more B-grade burgaling from this man.

The next in line, poised to take position as top dog around campus is Legend in his own lunchbox, Sir James William Grant Jr the third. The true Southern man is putting his inherent grit and toughness to good use as he begins his preparation to become the world's first heterosexual ironman. 2 hours in the pool as well as in excess of 50km a week on the bike, this man is leaving no stone unturned in his quest for peak performance come race day. Surprised at his absence from the recent Green Island-Taieri Mouth Return Handicap race, fellow scarfie, Logan Edgar questioned Mr Grant about it and this was the response he got: "Uhhm well I was riding out to race but I went too hard when I dominated Caversham Hill so I decided against racing". Pure Focus on the goal. That is the only way to describe this aspiring Medical Practitioner and Rap Artist. If he isn't training or spitting out bottomless lyrics in the ghetto this man is often seen dressed as a woman, shotgunning entire bigfoot bottles, gin flavour being his poison of choice.

Horny young fresher, Logan Edgar has managed to maintain his composure on the bike throughout his debut year in the Otago Cycling scene. After being taken under the wing of scholars Shane Melrose and Lozz Holding, Logan has excelled academically. As he said in his own words: "oops, those exam marks weren't quite what I was hoping for..."
Logan has excelled in his time management skills. In between visits to Queen's College to 'check out the talent', 800km weeks (questionable...) and his relentless study regime Logan has still found time to get his sinister grin plastered throughout the media. After being beaten up by a pair of girls and making a big scene about it in front of the TV3 cameras, Logan skyrocketed to stardom and was quoted as saying "Those dirty outram tramps should be put down!"
His recent strength on the bike is a good sign of things to come as he has now employed Shane Melrose as his coach and mentor. Shane prefers to approach training from a completely unique angle and refers to his methods as 'a dynamic blend of excellence, brilliance and downright awesomeness'. Logan is one to look for in up coming races because lets face it hes doing a commerce degree so spare time to train is more abundent than sexual disease in Mid-South Canterbury.

Local hero and popular scarfie, Lozz Holding has been out of sight recently in the otago cycling world. Word on the street is that his 'nerve troubles' in his leg was purely a coverup for recent treatments he has been getting for a swollen penis. Sources close to the man say that the attention from women and the easy access to online pornography led him into an issue that purely spiraled out of control. Flatmate, Rhys Kelly claimed "He couldn't leave it alone, it was like a chimp with a glue stick". After a long and hard recovery, the Warmup/Kumho rider has been seen scaling the alps along the peninsula and smashing tin at the local gym in a bid to 'get fit quick'. Whether he has been using his Pharmacology degree to good use is unknown but naive training partner Andy Mackay was overheard stating :"I think Lozz is clean. I mean lets face it, hes not actually very fast so if he is on drugs they can't be as good as Joe's ones". Lozz stated clearly to a WADA doctor during a random urine sample last week "I don't know what you're looking for in that, but all you will find is excellence and maybe some traces of semen". Being the face of the upcoming Tour de Taieri, punters hope to see this man wiping his backside with the Cat 1 peloton in 2 weeks time.


We at UCO were unable to contact Andy Mackay due to recent controversy surrounding him and his pantless antics.

Kumho or Kumh-o-no

Kuhmo or Kum-o-no
Rumours surrounding a new business starting up have been confirmed. Brad Evans from the top Otago cycling (kuhmo) team said today that it is true that he is set to open a new bike shop that specialized solely in bike set-up. Mr Evan said he would also offer a 24hr call out service so no matter how close to the race start or important event you are, he can still make alterations. Mr Evans also stated that much interest had been expressed from fellow team member Gabby Vermunt. Brad said in a short interview today that “it’s great because I know basically everything about bike set-up so to get a chance to share my knowledge will be great”. Kuhmo managing director Allan ‘keogh’ Piper said as long as this new venture didn’t get in the way of his riding or drinking then he gave Evans his best wishes and blessing.

In other breaking news the rumours sounding a ‘brown button’ have been brought to light. This mysterious and intriguing button is said by some in the Kuhmo team to bring mystical performance enhancing powers, with some well known personalities including Noel going on to quote that “it feels rrrrrealy good”. More information will be disclosed after an in-depth inquiry where all nooks and crannies will be poked and prodded. You can be rest assured we won’t be afraid to get our hands dirty and we may even stick our noses where they don’t belong!

Benchmark series riders from all places are starting to buzz about the upcoming race to be held on September the 11th, Kuhmo spokesperson Lorenzo Jizz Holding said “we are going to fly straight into the side of this fucking race”. Another spokesperson from the Ultimo Jamis team said that they were too superstitious to take the ‘Ultimo Jamis private jet’ so instead they will take their Team Bus (Intercity). Star of the future (rookie) rider Scott Lytle said that “The team (Cycle Surgery) had to make a hard choice but at the end of the day only really had one option”. The team will not be attending the event as they have decided to fly to New York for coffee instead as flights were “too cheap to pass up” said Mr Lytle. The decision hasn’t rests well with all members of the team however as Local hammer Mark Spessot was quoted as saying “I’m pissed off as I really wanted to ruin some younger fella’s careers at the race”. The absents of Spessot at the race will be great news to some as the race is now any body’s to win.

Fans eagerly await McGregor vs Jones showdown

Heated discussions have brought welcome warmth to cold student flats lately between two of Otago's elite riders. U19 rider Patrick Jones and U23 rider Alex 'Dynamite' McGregor have exchanged fierce words as build up to the summer season commences.

What sparked this fire is unclear but it seems to have connections to Jones' dad's 12kg beast. What is known is that it seems that Jones' Argon 18 cycle has shown one too many cracks and this has offended Alexandra scholar, McGregor. McGregor keenly expressed his outrage to Jones by saying "How about you stop counting cracks and go training???". After then insulting Jones' power output (or lack of), McGregor went on to challenge Patrick to a showdown at the riders next racing confrontation. Standing his ground, Jones then proceeded to question McGregor's recent performances in the Benchmark series. He was quoted as exclaiming "its war alex!".

This exciting showdown has bought much attention and excitement from other local riders. University cycling captain, James Grant spoke of the unfolding situation: "I think it is great that two strong up and coming riders show such passion for the sport". Well known Team Kumho rider, Logan Edgar seemed to express a lot of interest in the 12kg beast that sparked the whole debacle "I just can't fathom what it would look like".
Ultimo Jamis rider, Andy Mackay was questioned on his opinion about the whole thing. Unfortunately his answer was unable to be recorded due obstruction from the noise coming from his bottom bracket.

These quotes and comments are roughly scraped together from online networking site, 'facebook' and poorly reconstructed to piece together this story. What the outcome will be is unclear but what is clear is that both riders have much to work on as far as their spelling and grammar is concerned.

We will bring you up to minute reports on how this battle unfolds, but for now
I'm Matt Keenan. Over and out.

Stotty raising eyebrows

Local rider and ladies man, Justin Stott has been a force to be reckoned with recently in the Otago racing scene. After storming to victory ahead of returning star, Lozz Holding and young prospect, Patrick 'Who drank all Geoff's beers?' Jones on the infamous Sam's circuit, he had only 2 weeks to recover for a 'world famous' Wingatui circuit that all riders dream of one day winning. Stott had a great battle with Paul 'D. Trump' Goughy but took the win comfortably with a sprint Cavendish would be proud of, crossing the line at a brisk 98kmh.

This recent form has raised eyebrows within managerial circles as the silly season of team changes starts to get into full swing. It is rumoured that he has been in talks with several big teams including french outfit, Francaise des Jeux, newly formed Garmin-Cervelo and Team Kumho to name a few.

We at the unofficial otago cycling web page have been keen to find what makes Stott tick and what he has been up to on his training rides to bring on such a wave of domination at local races. Below is the interview conducted:

Hi Justin, congratulations on your recent string of victories!
Hi... thanks... Why aren't you wearing any pants?

Sorry Justin, but I'm the one doing the interviewing here so how bout I do my job and you do yours... How many K's a week having you been knocking up?
Uhm.. uh i havent really been training much just doing what i can around work, you know.

Any specific drills?
Nah just riding really....

Any little secrets you can let us in on that's given you such good form recently?
Look, I've got a lot to do so I'm gona have to leave

Come on Justin, let us in on a few!
LOOK! I have never failed a drug test so you've got nothing!!! Ok!!

No, sorry justin, i meant-
Mate, I don't care for you media stirring trouble! All my urine samples have been clean so until one comes up negative just leave me alone!

The interview ended there and Stott left hastily through the crowd and back into the van with his team Doctor, Chris Harvey.

Edgar Swaps Hurt Box For Dog Box

Recently on a local bunch ride through Dunedin, Te Anau hothead, Logan Edgar (19) was accused of breaching section 9.13 of the Cycling Otago Handbook. Section 9.13 is titled 'the no fun policy' and officials felt that Edgar had taken things beyond what the policy deems acceptable.

Both Edgar and compatriot, Mr. Melrose were slapped with a 150 euro fine after both riders engaged in laughter during the early stages of the bunch ride. What caused this drastic behaviour by the riders is unknown but rumours have been floating around the Otago peloton. One idea that has risen is that comedic semantics had been exchanged involving information on Mr. Melrose's out of season antics at popular local watering hole, Fever club.

However, this was not the end of things as Edgar is now facing a 2 bunch-ride ban after allogations that he referred to a passing female motorist as 'a minga' later on during the same ride he received the fine.

It is not yet known whether Edgar will appeal the ban.

SI TTT

The South Island team time trial champs held in Invercargill today proved arousing for all involved. Riders were greeted with tropical gale force winds and heavy down pours resulting in the distance being shortened to a nice 25km jaunt.

One or two riders received a dodgy time check resulting in tears before bed, a missed start, and a long drive home.

Otago’s Vet team were told to keep the communication up, and calls of “ease” could be heard over the length of the 25km course. These calls could not stop some riders from detonating with shrapnel visible along the sides of the road. In an effort to conserve energy this team has designed a new team bike pictured above.

Logan Edgar had talked up a big game before the event, stating that he "woke up this morning feeling like P-Diddy" but he didn’t explain that should he begin to hurt he would unclip his foot and push his team mates into the gutter, a tactic which paid off for him in the end.

A number of riders choose not to ride in Otago colours; rumor has it these riders felt their power outputs were not adequate for them to represent the region. More experienced riders on hand advised these riders to open a can of watties and to harden the f#%k up.

Strong man Alex McGregor had one of the best and luckiest rides of the day. He drove the senior team for much of the race and his jigsaw puzzle bike held together for the entire distance, it seems duck tape is stronger than first thought.

Southland proved safety in numbers is the key to success after wining points in categories in which only they fielded teams they took home the sliver wear. Stay tuned for our next behind the lines race report.

Shock and awe as cyclingnews.com resorts to writing softcore porn

Today many were shocked by cyclingnew.com's graphic and disturbing report of stage 1 of the Tour de France. It begins;

"Spartacus pounds his way to maillot jaune; And guess what: Contador is right up there with him

Pounding, pounding and pounding as if each turn of the pedals were grinding a mother cow through the mincer..." -http://www.cyclingnews.com/races/96th-tour-de-france-gt/stages/stage-1/results

It is thought that this turn towards soft porn is a response to the diwndling numbers of readers which has been brought about by the current global economic slump.

So far the full effects of this outburst are unknown but a reliable source who wishes to only be known as "piggy" claims that the article has deeply scared him and will probably be the cause of many sleepless nights.

In other related news the ASO has been forced (by the french courts) to show it's support of recreational cocaine abuse by accepting the former world champion Tom Boonen into the 2009 tour.

Track Nationals and O week

Well its been a while since the last post, a good five months to be exact. The track nationals are set to begin tomorrow down in Invervegas with many strong performances expected from the Otago team. Brad Evans is looking for a strong performance in the pursuit and team pursuit and pushing for selection for the junior worlds team. Brad has been preparing meticulously for the past three months, sources close to Brad say he is flying and is looking to "tear some legs off!". Kat Jones will also be looking for strong performances in the pursuit and team pursuit. However confusion remains as to who the team will be as it won't be named until the morning of the event.

In other news Napoleon Dynamite (aka Alex Mcgregor) has been lost in the wilderness and one can only speculate how he will perform. Reports suggest Napoleon has split with long time coach Shane Melrose and is now under the guidance of the infamous Paul Whitley. Only time will tell what is in store for this dynamic duo.

Another exciting event has been the beginning of O week at the Otago University. Many of the locals are curious to see what cycling talent will be uncovered at local races to come. Racing is set to be very different this year with the absence of Jonny Stockwell and David Ayre. It is hoped the Lozz Holding can step up and fill the void left by these to prolific riders. Reports suggest that David is preparing to head to Belgium where he will race on the keremese circuit in a bid to pick up a pro contract. Meanwhile Stocky has been reported to be working in a meat works in Christchurch to save enough money to get across the ditch to race for his famous uncles team in Australia.

Stay tuned for more updates as the track nationals continue next week. I'm Laurent Brochard, stay classy San Diego.

A Whole New Can Of Whoopass

The first week of October is indeed an exciting week for cycling. No October in Otago does not herald the begining of a beer festival, actually quite the opposite with all the unruly students finally retreating to various libraries in an attempt to cram a years work in several weeks. However I digress. This week will host several exciting events.

On Wednesday the highly anticipated return of the Sams ride will determine who has managed to maintain some form over the cold winter months. It is thought the inauggral 25km hammer session will determine who's egos have been writing checks there bodies cannot afford. Several riders worth looking out for are Shane "Kauri Legs" Melrose and Alex "Napolean Dynamite" Magreggor who will be out to prove themselves after signing with two prestiguos southland teams. Also watch out for Johnathon "Hurricane" Stockwell who is rumoured to have the best form of his life after a secret training camp in New Caledonia. In the final few kilometres riders like Joel Davies, Paul Goff and Ashley Whitehead (who has recently discovered his sprinting legs) are expected to become prominent.

On Saturday Otago will crown several new individual time trial club champions. The individual time trial is said to be the race of truth were the bluffers are revealed and the hard men (and women) shine. The time trials will be held over the tough 20km outram course with races varying from 20 -40 km. Alex Magreggor is expected to shine in this event while others including Barret Wilson, Jeff Notman, Gary Alpress and Kathryn Jones are all expected to put in solid appearances. However it is rumoured several riders will miss this event with the intention of saving themselves for a tough race on sunday -or maybe they are just afraid of being unmasked as the bluffers they are.

The real test will be on Sunday where riders will face the gruelling Goodwood Circuit. The Goodwood Circuit will once again be the battleground for all those wishing to be named as Otagos 2008 club road champions. Last years pacuors were so tough that of the 10 who started the mens road race, only 3 finished. Johnathon Stockwell hopes that his traditional approach to training will enable him to defend his u23 and overall title successfully. Runner up Tony Hogg was unavailble to comment but is rumoured to have quit road racing and have put his bike on trademe after being passed in the last lap of the '07 edition by Stockwell. The course is thought to favour a power sprinter but often it simply becomes a race of attrition. In the womens race the usual suspects Caroline, Sara Macdonald and Kathryn Jones to tear each other to shreds.

This is Paul Sherwin bringing you the lastet in otago cycling. Goodnight and stay classy Otago