Paracetanoel Signs Multi-thousand Dollar Deal

There is currently a buzz of excitement and controversy amongst cycling circles as local rider Alex McGregor has recently landed a lucrative sponsorship deal with British consumer goods company, Reckitt Benckiser. The company, which is looking to increase the popularity of its Lemsip cold and flu remedy as an effective mid-ride supplement for riders to have in their drink bottles, is hoping to have Alex star in its TV commercials in a deal reputedly worth around $3500 and a brand new used Mazda 3.

The signing follows a rise to fame for young McGregor, following a fairly written, and sensible piece of journalistic brilliance about paracetamol use in cycling, written by a plumber from Rotorua. The article sent ripples through the New Zealand cycling community, provoking not one bit of intellectual discourse on the topic.

Thanks to a cash injection from local cycling enthusiast and philanthropist, Happy Clap Man, the UOC were sent to Auckland for an interview with BikeNZ's in-house drug expert, Mr. Gerrard Johnson. Johnson, who became an expert on the subject earlier in life when he gained a PhD in Pharmacology through a three-week online course from a university in Kazakhstan, made it very clear that BikeNZ did not approve of the rising trend in 'unethical' painkiller use in sport. "I have never in my life taken drugs," claimed Johnson as he sipped on his coffee and kahlua, "I liken drug users to the lowest dregs of society, on a par with rapists, murders and disabled people".

Johnson, who is also BikeNZ's accountant, office cleaner and founder of the recently formed Pakeha Party, explained that junior cyclists were the most at risk from this current fad. "It’s the U19s and U17s I'm most concerned about, they are the ones that get drawn into these trends, which can be extremely dangerous". When asked what he thought about rumours of coaches encouraging young riders to take panadol before a race, Johnson stressed, "I would much prefer it if the riders were given Pamol liquid formulation. It's far more palatable but most importantly, it significantly reduces the risk of choking, which is what makes panadol such a potentially lethal drug".

Johnson's thoughts align exactly with the position of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) on painkiller use: "Drugs are bad mmmk".

The questionable use of flu remedies is not just an issue in cycling. Recently, a Central Otago primary school teacher has come under fire after force-feeding his pupils codral nightime tablets. The teacher defended his actions claiming that "The kids are just too worked up and stimulated, ever since the introduction of the breakfast in schools programme, I can't handle them".

Despite the controversy surrounding the issue, Reckitt Benckiser is looking to expand their product range, and hopes to introduce Lemsip Isotonic to our shores by November 2013.

Official Tour de Taieri Highlights Package

Riders from all over the country came together for the inaugural Tour de Taieri held over two days in and around the tourist hotspot that is Mosgiel. It is known to most as a tax haven for celebrities and billionaires however most that attended the tour will remember it for other reasons.

Deceptive morning sun led many unsuspecting competitors astray as they left their booties and fluffy gloves at home. As riders warmed up and prepared their podium speeches early, a beastly cloud loomed above the infamous sam's circuit. Logan Edgar was recorded saying "I'm no Jim Hickey but i think the weather is about to shit itself". His metaphorical excrement reference came true and all riders were about to find themselves wedged well and truly in the U-bend underneath a very large, unpleasant mess. Snow and hail pushed riders off the seat of comfort and onto the floor of no fun. Crashes were plentiful as many riders ate asphalt, while onlooking shop owners licked their lips at the sound of crunching carbon.

Many riders had talked a big game coming into the tour. James Grant, still angry after a total balls-up by BikeNZ surrounding worlds selection, had frequently been heard expressing his determination to tear up this race. "I hope everyone brought aero bars coz I'm gona turn every stage into a motherf**king TT if I have to!" was his approach to the event. UCO spotted a local speed demon and self confessed 'winning-addict' the day prior to tour start. Joel Davies was seen by our reporters delving deep into the icy depths of the discount ice-cream section of New World North Dunedin. All Dunedin cyclists are well aware that there's trouble ahead when Joel is taking onboard a lot of protein.

However, its all fun and games until someone gets DQ'd. And thats exactly what happened to World Famous Twizel-Timaru veteran, Alex Mad MAD McGregor. One too many colourful words saw this big hitter having tears before beers later that evening. Close rival and part-time body builder, Patrick Jones wasn't hitting the bottle for a change, instead he was fuming about the cancellation of the much anticipated 6km mid tour Time Trial. "I'm gutted about it being taken out, I was excited about putting some more seconds between me and Alex!"

The first day left the fields wittled with Category one being reduced to less than half the original starters. Chad Adair fell victim to his own tyres as he went scrambling across the wrong side of the road on his backside. 6 or 7 other riders went down on the same corner leaving experts wondering just what the shit happened there. Some insiders have suggested that Regan Sheath left a trail of vomit just shy of the centre line leaving many riders rubber side up. When questioned on the matter all Sheath had to say was: "I du-duno man. Oh my go-god I love you alllll".

Day two brought prettier conditions with a nice stiff breeze up the rear end of the riders. Christchurch Ultimo-jamis rider, Tom 'calves' Hubbard sparked up the racing with countless attacks during the 1st lap of each race. Manager, Ben Hopewell explained to us at UCO that he was trying desperately to claw back 15 minutes to the leaders. "He needs the prize money so he can put a dollar each way on the 3 o'clock races".

Winners:
Cat 1-James McCoy
Cat 2-'2 minutes'
Cat 3-Joel Davies
U19-Alex Frame
U17-That guy Fergie coaches
U15-Connor Stead
Women-Sequoia
U19-Ashleigh Neave
U17- baby Williamson
U15-That chick fergie coaches
novice- winner DQ'd when it turned out to be Chris Henderson in disguise. He sat on in every race.

The great event was rounded off with a splendid prizegiving with much banter and flirting taking place. Savaloys were the big hit, especially with Christchurch visitor, Rachel Gaffaney.

A Day at the Zoo in Chilly Otago

A snowy weekend set the scene for a trek across 3 mile hill into the belly of the beast of the 'Bike Otago Zoo' held annually during September. Two of our top reporters got right in amongst things as they observed some of the primal behaviour on display during this great event.

The first and clearly most popular attraction found at the zoo was the rare Walrus (Odobenus rosmarus). The powerful display of territorial rituals really set the tone for the weekend. Alex McGregor got an up close and all too real encounter when he got between it and the ocean.

Another fishy treat found out on the plains was the mighty Sperm Whale (Shaneous Melrospermatis) who flourished in antarctic-like environment due to his subcutaneous blubber acquired from filter feeding on little green heineken bottlenose dolphins.

One of the more interesting specimens to be found that day was the highly territorial goat (Dynamitus Napolatanous). He displayed alpha-male traits while fending off other potential suiters. The Red Squirrel (Patchianous) who was sharing an enclosure with the goat and his potential mate was kept at a distance by the highly territorial creature. The goat was well aware of how erotic the little red squirrel could be so put distance between them by quoting: "This f&*^ing seats taken ae!"

As the night sky showed its face, some of the more nocturnal critters came out to play. Found within the harmonic surroundings of North Dunedin, chirpings of profanities whistled through the air from the legendary "Tuhi" bird. A small rat infestation kept visitors on their toes.

Keepers had to step in and clean the enclosure when the Sheath Baboon appeared to have contracted a nasty virus. Induced vomiting saw the young ape struggling outside his usual warm auckland (soft) niche, nestled within arms reach of his mother.

As morning broke, sounds of pleasure could be heard coming from an enclosure that two seperate animals should not have been in. Keepers also had to step in later to clean up what zoo staff suspect must have been mayonnaise from a tossed salad. The largely unsettled long-eared presbury rabbit that was going through a hormonal imbalance returned to its own area the next day a little unsatisfied with only the tossed salad as he had been led to believe a main course was on offer and possibly a champagne breakfast.

Quote Of The Day

"This seat is f%#ken taken, f&%k off, f$^k you guys, F&^ken Edgar, F%$k you Melrose, F%&ken Tomlinson" (Otago Cycling international diplomat).

Edgar to head development squad

Local sluxx Logan Edgar is to head the new Kuhmo development squad. Edgar stated that the squad would be made up entirely of female riders unless he got rrrrrrrrrrealy on the hammer. The new team is to launch into the protour with a new logo and kit design as pictured. Edgar has been rumored to have been working on the make up of the team for some months, trialing many riders over this time period with various results. In relation to this team, Alex (ladies man) McGregor has used his powerful commend of the English language to trick many young female riders into signing for this team, many of these negotiations are said to have taken place over a champagne breakfast.

Radioshack to sign Dynamite? Tour de Taieri Chaos.

Napolean Dynamite finally made his breakthrough victory last weekend at the Twizel-Timaru classic. With the Protour scouts floating nearby many a nervous rider showed up to show their wares. The scene was set for some intense and spectacular racing and the riders did not disappoint. Dynamite made a late attack and blew up the bunch (rather than himself for a change) to take line honours and fastest time, a feat only 5 other men have acheived in the races history.

After the race a jubilant Dynamite was seen talking to none other than Johan Bruyneel. Speculation within the peloton has suggested Dynamite is set to sign with Bruyneel's protour outfit for the 2011 season.

Disappointment was soon to follow at the Tour de Taieri today with appalling weather and slippery road conditions. This saw many crashes take their toll on the peloton and was responsible for a number of retirements. Meanwhile Dynamite saw himself DQed for bullying the other riders in the A grade.

Car nursing injuries after dressing down from Smit

Local hammer Corrinne Smit recently gave an out of line automobile a lesson in race etiquette. It is alleged the car had attempted to out sprint Smit on a recent training ride, however the car quickly realized it did not possess the speed to hold Smit off and throw her a furious hook. Smit responded with a strong elbow causing minor damage to the car.
Smit commented afterwards that she had received a scuffed shoe and had almost broken a sweat during the high speed altercation. The automobile was not available for comment; Police are continuing to investigate the incident.
( Above: The automobile following its dirty sprint tactics)

Melrose turns up at the Vuelta a Espana

The Vuelta a Espana has been rocked by scandal with late night boozing involving the Saxobank team. Details at this point in time are sketchy but sources suggest Shane Melrose has lead astray some of the sports most respected stars Andy Schleck and Stuart O'Grady. It was speculated that the riders were out until 5am in a late boozing session where copious amounts of Heineken was consumed. It was unknown whether this was an attempt at enhancing perfomrance or a delibrate attempt to be ejected from the race

Saxobank manager Bjarne Riss expelled all three riders concerned from the race and sent Melrose packing on a long term holiday. Many people are speculating this could see the end of the veterans career in Europe. Melrose was quoted as saying "I wake up in the morning and piss excellence, who need Eurpoe anyway?"

Schleck later confirmed that "I don't even like Spain and wanted to leave any way. I would like to thank Shane for his insight and helping me see the light." Fresh rumors are circulating that Melrose was in talks with the as yet unamed Luxembourg team and Schleck about a potential role with the team. It has been suggested that this new role would see Melrose as an advisor in the finer point of after race rehydration. Shleck comment that "His years of dedication and experience wit Heineken will prove invaluable to the team and our success". Many of Otago's finest riders can attest to Melrose's fondness of Heineken and the goodtimes had by all.

Otago bewildered by double disappointment

Right: James Grant passes a Benchmark homes rider during 180km ironman stage in Wanaka.



News shook Otago cycling circles harder than a 7.1 earlier this week when it was revealed to the country that two World's hopefuls were excluded from the team. Michael Vink, George Bennett and Jason Christie were all selected to fly the silver fern over in Geelong on the 1st of October in the U23 World Road Race Champs. After a recent rampage of strong results, many were left scrolling down the page looking for mention of ex-scarfie James Williamson but to no avail. Almost as upset as his fans about the exclusion from the team he, as always, kept his cool and looked to the positive. "Oh well, it means I can come down to Dunners and party now, lets go push some freshers off the rails at Monkey Bar!". Although a Wakatipu cycling club member, Otago pundits like to claim the subway warrior as their own and are clearly distraught about the selectors decision. Famous Comedian and Moon TV star, Chicco, said what was going through all our heads when he questioned: "What's all that sh*t about???!!!"

Although disappointed about World's hopeful, Williamson's non-selection for the team, the entire cycling world were left flabbergasted at the absence of Otago University cycling captain, James Grant, in the team. Grant, who had been labeled as a 'certain' to ride at the world champs was for some reason, not included in the U23 team. Club Captain Chris Henderson spoke of the matter, "Whatever it is those selectors are smoking, I want some". Tinelli, a New Zealand cycling apparel company were outraged. They had already produced 17,000 special edition rainbow world champion jersey's in anticipation for James Grant's guaranteed victory in Geelong. "We have lost tens of thousands of dollars thanks to some clown at BikeNZ not doing there job properly" exclaimed the CEO.
UCO went to find Grant and found him crying on his doorstep next to a half empty bottle of gin, listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' on repeat in the background. Grant spoke solemnly "It's over, I wanted to do New Zealand proud but I've been robbed of my dreams. I will continue to train for my Ironman campaign and my rap career but as far as cycling goes, I think I've had enough of all the schmuks in this sport"

UCO reporters joined James and polished off the rest of the gin. $378 of alcohol in town and 19 cheesburgers later we finally got round to writing this report.

Chopper advises local trade teams

Advice of the day:

Chopper said to "Harden the f%#k up"

He didnt say "have a winge, have a moan, and have a f%#Kn cry"

That is all.